Is your belief that you "don't deserve" something, standing in your way?

“I am”…..now say it with me….

I have a confession to make and it's a big one. I couldn't call myself a photographer for many, many years because I didn't believe that I deserved it. I read way too many opinion pieces by full-time photographers claiming that anyone but themselves were real photographers. I listened to opinions such as "if you don't have a formal degree” or "if you don't earn 100% of your income from your photography”, you are not a professional photographer." So, I sat in the shadows, feeling defeated, desperately wanting to be one of the cool kids. I felt like a dandelion, dreaming in the grass, wanting desperately to be a lily. When in reality, I was already a lily but just convinced that I wasn’t.

As I learned some difficult lessons and stepped into who I wanted to be, I started to create this series of lily photographs. I made a big leap in my art and it became so much more powerful. The series is titled simply, “Lily” and as I photographed the closed buds, the opening buds, and fully open flowers I smiled as the project mimicked my personal transformation.

It’s amazing what can happen when you just let yourself shine. Have you been holding yourself back by telling yourself that you didn’t deserve something? Are you watching a friend do the same? I hope that you find something from my experience helpful for you to start to move forward.

Along the way I learned that two things needed to happen: I had to decide who I was, and I had to take leaps.

Own It!

There seem to be two types of people in the world, those who continually look externally for validation and those who are able to look internally and tap into their own power. I was 100% in the former, desperately seeking approval of my photography and creativity. I was so stuck there that I couldn't even hear the validation, and it never seemed like enough. I was too convinced that I wasn't worthy to receive anything that said otherwise. Have you ever experienced that?

Have you heard of or experienced impostor syndrome? It is “the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.” Maybe you were hired for a great new position, and you were terrified that your colleagues are going to find out you were “just lucky” to get the job. Or perhaps you never speak up in meetings because you don't believe that you belong in the room. Are you not making art because you'll never be as good as someone you look up to? We can get really skilled at standing in our own way.

After many years stuck in this thinking, I finally was tired of not being enough. I wanted it SO badly that I said the words out loud. "I am an artist. I am a photographer. I love my work and so do others. " Inaction turned into action. Frustration turned into freedom. I finally realized that WE decide what we want to be, and who we want to be. We can't decide to be someone else, but we can decide to follow what fills our hearts and makes us shine, to be the lilies.

Artists, activists, writers, speakers, mentors...whatever we want to be. Then we work toward being the best we can be, not the best that others can be. We aren't just born there. If you have been standing in your own way, try it. Own what it is that you want to be. It feels so good!

Take a Leap!

Owning is half the battle, the other half is taking risks. I honestly feel that creating and sharing art is one of the riskiest things that one can do. Taking what's inside and creating tangible things for people to view, critique, accept and reject is one of the most personal experiences I've ever experienced. A little piece of the artist’s soul is on every canvas, in every paint stroke, in every photograph. Pure creativity is put out there for people to experience with consideration or a quick glance. And if you are stuck searching for external validation, every negative response to your work can leave a deep wound.

Then I discovered that by believing in my work and taking leaps of faith so many doors would open for me. The first thing was releasing the criticism of others, the second was disconnecting from the outcome, and finally finding those opportunities to shine.

As I took leaps of faith, I started applying to participate in art fairs, juried exhibitions, artist associations, and awards. I remember the day that I finally let go of criticism while attending my first art fair as a vendor. Part of my offering was handmade ink transfers on wood blocks. Some were created with beautiful exotic wood and some on common pine. A gentleman walked up, grabbed a woodblock and yelled at me "Is this pine?? Hell, I could make that!" Tossed it down and walked away. Prior to that I would have been devastated to receive such feedback but that day I could absolutely not stop laughing. I wonder if he ever made it to Rappersville, Switzerland, to recreate my photo. I hope he did, it's gorgeous there.

Letting go of criticism felt so good! Like the happiness I imagine when seeing a dandilion seed take off in the wind. I imagine it yelling “You can’t catch me! I’m off to explore the world and spread more joyful little yellow flowers!!”

Then what followed was disconnecting from outcomes, which felt even better. Applying for opportunities is a game of numbers, you will not get everything that you apply for. Bitterness can start to creep in and take valuable time and energy away from you if you let it. Some can take it extremely personally. But we can’t win everything, and we sure won't win anything if we don't try.

There are a few ways that you can disconnect from the outcome. You can love your work so much that it doesn’t matter if someone else does. You can trust the universe that if it was meant to be, it will happen. Instead of confirmation of your excellence, you can see these as simply marketing opportunities. Disconnecting from the outcome will give you energy back to keep moving forward and before you know it you will have a catalog of shows and awards. And boy does THAT feel good!

Well friend, thank you for sticking with me this long! I hope that you found this writing helpful. I’d love to hear how it may have impacted you.

Be well!

Erica

Erica TamburoMay 15, 2023