This October I stepped out into the public for one of the first times since I was back on medical leave for the third time during my journey with cancer. This time, my cancer was actually gone, I was dealing with my body adjusting to not having a thyroid. An easy adjustment, I heard from many, a not-so-easy adjustment for me. But, I've been determined to heal, to do what my body needs, and to share my art and story for those who need to hear it.

Pittsburgh Paints Artists during Breast Cancer Awareness Month with Mayor Ed Gainey and Michelle Gainey

Pittsburgh Paints gave me just that opportunity. Led by Pittsburgh’s First Lady, Michelle Gainey, Pittsburgh Paints highlights and celebrates the diversity and richness of local art and artists through monthly themed opportunities to display in the Mayor’s Executive Conference Room and other opportunities.

This November, I was one of the artists selected to show my work. Each month the artists are invited to meet the Mayor and share their experience creating their works. Little did we all know, what a powerful, moving and healing experience the day would be for all of us. Cancer survivors, relatives and friends of cancer survivors, and others walking their healing paths. I wish I could share the whole experience with you. Below, you can read what I prepared for the event and learn a little about my personal experience with cancer.

Mayor Ed Gainey with the new Pittsburgh Paints display in the lobby of the Pittsburgh City-County Building

My eternal gratitude to everyone that makes Pittsburgh Paints possible, the artists, staff, Michelle Gainey, and Mayor Ed Gainey. This has been a genuinely unique and special experience.

With much love,

Erica

Mayor Ed Gainey, First Lady Michelle Gainey, fellow artists and everyone that has made the Pittsburgh Paints Initiative possible, I want to thank you so much for making today possible and for providing a forum that calls attention to cancer and reminds the community that there are those negotiating a diagnosis and needing support for their healing.

I have been sick for so long, it's hard to know when my story starts but I know persistence and the unwillingness to give up likely saved me. My doctor had no idea what was wrong with me, my tests were all "normal", symptoms were vague, but everything was being taken away from me. I was too exhausted to function, deep in my bones my body resisted everything. The majority of foods made me ill. My nails were so thin and brittle that they often broke in painful places. A woman leader in tech, my ability to manage stress, complex engineering projects, and the challenges that I enjoyed and found pride in was taken away from me. Anxiety, depression, paranoia, forgetfulness....I felt like I was losing me. I felt like I lost me.

Thanks to persistence, thanks to trusting myself that the way I felt wasn't normal, that vitamin D wasn't what I needed, in January of this year I finally started to get answers. A slightly enlarged thyroid, then nodules, then that word no one wants to hear, cancer, then Hashimoto's disease, and even more surprising full thyroid removal. I am still processing the terror, relief, and validation that I feel all at the same time. But there was finally a path to healing before me, a path that I'm still walking.

The pice that I'd chosen to display during Breast Cancer Awareness month is a pice that has gotten me through this year, and continues to be a guiding light for me. The piece is titled Start Where You Are. We have a lot of opinions about where we "should" be. "My doctor should have listened to me", "I should have pushed sooner," "I should have realized that I was having pain in my neck," "I should take my vitamins every day and drink 8 glasses of water and walk 2 miles a day," "I should be able to take care of my health, everyone around me, and build a whole new career all at the same time." Start Where You Are has given me the ability to just drop all of that, to focus on where I am in the present moment without guilt, frustration, and expectation. Acceptance, has been the gift of this piece. Another important piece in this series is "Just One Step", that has been the second piece to get me through this year. When you are so ill it's easy to give up and you really need to see what some would think are little wins. Sometimes a shower was a big win, sometimes moving from the bed to the couch, sometimes it was just a hug from my husband. I hope that those dealing with cancer find comfort in the message of "Start Where You Are" and are able to "Take One Step" a day, until they can start walking through life again.

Before my diagnosis, I desperately wanted to be happy. I had been so sick for so long and things were falling apart around me, and I just wanted to be happy and for someone to tell me how to get there. After my diagnosis, I desperately wanted to be healthy. I was frustrated that what everyone told me was going to be so easy and quick, wasn't easy and quick for me, and took a really bad turn. These past few months have been the most challenging for me, I had developed de-habilitating anxiety and had a new doctor that didn't listen to me and take me seriously. But these past months have been my greatest gift. I finally learned that the most important thing, what I really want, is to be loved and love. Because if you can love and be loved, you'll be happy, and you will find the strength to get through those things that you think are impossible. It seems so simple, and you hear it so often, but for your heart to understand it can be another matter. For my heart to really understand it required getting really lost and experiencing some horrible pain.

As my path of healing continues, I know that I want to help others along theirs. I will continue to talk about chronic illness and cancer through my art and sharing my experience with others. I saw a great uncredited quote "healing in public so that others can heal in private." What a beautiful gift. I hope that others can find support through my experiences or even a little glimmer of hope.

Thank you so much for your time, and for including me. I wish you all happiness and health, and above all much love.

Cancer Awareness Month with Pittsburgh Paints